I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job...

Taking a look in the mirror. It's depressing. It's a trip down the rabbit hole farther than one perhaps intends. It's scary.

"And how can we win,
When fools can be kings"

I'm a coward. I can't stand to see others be happy. I can't stand to not be the center of attention. I'm too prone to envy and jealousy. Instead of being happy for others, I only envy and resent them. Even if I'm perfectly well off, I crave to be better than them. It validates me. And I hate it. I want to love humanity and forgive those who do wrong against me, but I can't find the strength in me. I want to accept all without judging and take them as they are, but I find myself unable to for whatever reason. And I don't know why. I'm filled with hate and anger. And envy. And jealousy. I judge humanity to be base and beyond saving, yet I myself am the worst specimen of all. I want control yet can't handle the responsibility that comes along with it. I want power but don't want to be held accountable. I hate being chastised and rebuked. I hate being criticized. I can't take criticism. I hide behind the veil of an "ego," yet have no confidence in myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I hate getting up in the morning and realizing that I'm not the person I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Realizing that I"m a coward and that all my shortcomings are my fault. I blame others, yet know that it's ultimately my fault. But I refuse to accept it. I pretend that I'm better than everyone else in order to shield myself from the realization and the pain that comes with it. I talk down to others constantly. I hide behind cynicism and witty facts to make myself appear smarter or better than others, but I know they're nothing but illusions and masks. I can't face myself. I'm suicidal. I don't know to what degree. But the thoughts have been preoccupying me lately. What if I just let go of it all. Would it be better? I know I'd hurt some people, but I wouldn't feel this way anymore. I'd be able to estinguish thoughts. And the pain that comes with them. I want to be better. I want to fit in. I lack charisma. I make up circumstances and interactions in my mind to give myself a false sense of worth so I can say "well I could do that if I tried...but I just don't want to try because it's pointless seeing as how I know I can already do it, and do it better." I am everything I hate about others. I'm a reflection of the worst parts of humanity. I claim intelligence yet fail to realize even the most basic things. I rely on luck to pass off as skill. When I can't be the best, I claim the system is broken. That it's the system being inadequate for my far superior skill, or intelligence, or any number of things I tell myself to justify my short comings. I quit too often. I'm a quitter. I can't accept compliments. I can't accept losing. Or winning. I'm constantly off putting. I lack confidence in myself or my abilities. I have no self esteem. I hide behind the superficial. 

I want to be king.

But I have hope. I know that in despair there are those who look at me as I am, and accept that. And it makes me wonder why? Why, despite all my harsh words, and bad attitude, and childish behavior, they still welcome me back with open arms. And they ask for nothing in return. I over analyze. I try to make sense of things that already make sense. I try to look at the deeper meaning to things all the while neglecting the meaning in front of me. I refuse to accept things as they are. I hate humanity. I wish to see this whole world burn and all human life wiped out. I hate bureaucracy. I hate democracy and the emergence of the modern man and society. I hate money and the society it drives. I hate individualism. But I hate it because I love people. I hate them because I can't stand to see them fall so short of their potential. I can see what humanity can be. And the great heights it can reach. And the good it can do. Yet it constantly fails. And it kills me to see that. I can't accept to see humanity and people treat each other the way they do and take advantage of each other and trample on each other. And yes there is still good in people, but it's far overshadowed by the selfish individualistic self exalting majority. And I am part of that majority. I hate humanity because I'm no less human than anyone else. Because it acts the way I do. And it's the same as me. 

"Flick the switch and open your third eye, you'd see that

We should never be afraid to die"

Down the rabbit hole and back out again.

Even now, the cycle of bullshit and generalizations and overcompensating 'realizations' continues.

"So go, find a new way of coping with being alive.
When you find it don't tell me, I don't want to hear all your lies."

But I'm ok now. I find that by finally taking a look in the mirror, and looking at the reflection, it makes sense. 

"So what's it going to take for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye?"

You dream the dream. You dance the dance. You sing the song. You live the life. You wake up. You go about your day. You enjoy the company of those you have. You try to maximize the positive. You deal with the negative. You eat, rest and laugh. You sleep. And repeat. And you realize how precious that is. How precious being alive is. What a gift it is. And what a curse. But what a wonderful curse. A curse like none other. Priceless. And you take a breath and enjoy the view. And live the life you want to. Enough with all the whining, moaning and bitching. The analyzing. The justifying. The prioritizing. Be. For each good, there is a bad. For each bad, there is good. For every wrong there is a right. For every right there is a wrong. You do the best with what you have, and you hold on for dear life. All things are going to happen naturally. As they will. As they always have. And you hope for an answer to the bigger questions. You build your walls, and you gather security blankets, and you build your fences, and gate off your communities. And you open your heart to others, and you laugh, and you sing, and you feel the warmth of sharing that part of yourself. And you cry. And you smile. And hurt. And you contemplate. And you realize. And you drink. And you say stupid things. You make amends. You apologize. You regret and you vow to change. You learn from others and serve as an example. And you build a movie set. To tear it down. To entertain and to express. To be popular. To drink away the solitude. And you blog. You reach out to a voice in the void. You hope to hear. You turn on the radio and get lost in sound. 

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

You play martyr. You dream of heroism. You revile in the base and laugh at the meek. You fantasize about the good and the bad. You walk both paths, and pick as you go. 

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow? If everything you knew came to an end. And you lost everything. If the world just stopped being. Would you care? Would you feel it? Would you feel it for the others? For everyone else? Would you care about self preservation? Or would you worry about your family? Your friends? Your girlfriends and boyfriends? Humanity? Would you have hope or would you give in? Would you do because you can? Would you think about your fucking dog? Would you go back to your nine to five after that? Could you just get into your car and drive away from it all? Shrug your shoulders and drive away? Could you give your life to save another? And expect nothing in return? No glory. No sad story in the paper. No news headline. No sweet words at your funeral. Just give your life for someone and never have it known. Not even by that person. Would you give your life to end all genocide? To end world hunger? End poverty? End all the pain and suffering through disease? To bring fathers and brothers home from war? Could you look hell in the face and laugh? Turn away and walk away? 

I don't know if I could. I don't know if I'd do any of it. I don't know if I"m man enough. I used to think I'd readily give myself for any of these. I used to think I was the hero in the nightmares, rescuing the weak, saving the fallen. I used to imagine myself as a trumpeter of the glory days to come. A beacon of hope and light in a world so devoid  of both. That I was special. Unique. Original. Misunderstood. That no one knew what I had gone through. What I thought. What I could be. I still do. I'll think this for as long as I can think. 

A weight is lifted on this evening. 

"A falling star

At least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain."

I don't want to love the world. I don't want to forgive anymore. I don't want to accept everyone. I don't want to be the great hope and beacon of light amidst a failing world. I don't want to stand out and be the champion. I don't want to get along with everyone. I don't want to smile and pretend everything is alright. I just want to be. Be me. Be myself. No masks. No language. No subtlety. No walls. I want to face the man in the mirror and earn his respect once and for all. I want to show him that the world beyond the looking glass is not as dark as it may appear. I want to show him that it's ok to step through that window and join us. I don't want to live for any great philosophy. I don't want to live for any great ideal. I don't want to live as a martyr for a cause. I don't want to be associated with a particular personality or set of thoughts, ideas, ideals, contributions, actions, or anything else. I just want to wake up in the morning, and face the mirror. Knowing that I am who I am. That this is what it is. And that it's ok. It's okay. So turn the music up. Turn on the bass. Face the mob. And dance. The gunshots sling away, and their sound sets the beat. The bullets compel you to move. So move. Drop the disguise. And aim to kill. Be merry. And be kind. And give the world what it needs. Be what you are. Be who you are. But do it like no one else. Run. Run away. Run for your life. Just run. 

So I sit here with a glass of milk. And I listen to the poets of our generation. I lose myself in their words. And they make it alright. And their words purify. And I'm looking on the bright side, and balancing the whole damn thing. 

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words."

I've found the most amazing woman in the world. And she completes me. And she makes life worth living. And it makes everything alright just to be around her. To hear her voice. To know that she's there. I'm almost finally out of words. Someone once said that the art of the tumble is to be humble and realize nothing is wrong. Take ownership of the situation. Be proud that you fucked up perfectly. Then smile, and wave. 

"Well if you should nervously break down

When its time for the shakedown would you take it?
It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it.
And don't it feel alright. And don't it feel so nice.
Lovely."

Say it again. Do we all dream of dreams or are our dreams the reality in which we are now being dreamt up? Such childish questions. Yet so intriguing. How do you ever really know? What's the difference between a lucid dream and reality? As I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes. What a beautiful sight. Once I dry my eyes I'll climb on. It takes some work to make it work. And it takes some good to make it hurt. It takes the one to know the other. In time to get away. 

For now, I'm glad god is asleep. But time goes on. 

Show me what I'm looking for

Why do people choose to remember history? Why do we analyze our lives as they are in the present with respect to how they were in the past and how we anticipate them to be in the future? Why do we consider the consequences of our actions? Why is it impossible to know everything. Be an expert in everything?

Why is it that every time I undertake to learn everything there is to learn I get side tracked by getting wrapped up in the small parts of the bigger picture and forget the big picture all together? Yet each of these small parts is a mosaic in its own right. So how do we beat this Zeno Paradox?

"i once had a grip on everything
it feels better to let go"

It really does feel better to let go though. I'm interested in why we do what we do. Why we focus on some things? Why we gravitate toward certain decisions and fields of focus? Sure it can be said that it's because of "society," but what makes "society" choose to gravitate toward those things?

Ever since I was little I've had a Truman Show-esque feeling toward my life. As if I was constantly being watched and manipulated by a greater force in respect to the circumstances and interactions I've had. And not a "god" force really. I've always believed since I can remember that I'm meant for something monumental. And I don't mean necessarily a greater good. For whatever reason, I just have always felt and been strongly pulled toward the idea that there will come a time in my life sometime (and it feels ever closer each day) when I'll end up altering the world as we know it, whether for better or for worse. Not really sure which. Just one way or another. It feels like knowing I"m going to create the next major paradigm shift in the course of humanity/society by influencing a large number of people/of the population. How? I don't know. I know that if it does happen (which I'm strangely led to believe it will), it will not be through the path I'm embarked on now. It won't be through college or through my career path. It won't be through any of the events I anticipate to happen as a result of the track I'm on now. It's not a belief necessarily. More of a feeling than anything. An obsession of sorts. Perhaps it's just an overinflated ego. Perhaps I'm just trying to compensate for something lacking in my life or personality by deluding myself with dreams of grandeur. But I don't feel like it is. All of life is a choice, and I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm meant for a more influential choice. 

In a very strange way, I feel that I've fully realized the meaning of life. And it's a dark place to go. As if all there is to life is this. Our purpose is to wake up in the morning and go about our day. And make our choices. And that's it. And our choices don't mean anything past our momentary mental state. Yet they affect the rest of our lives. And so it's a constant cycle. A never ending run on the mill.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Every day. Each and every moment. Decisions.

"Decision sits so make it quick

A breath inhaled from an air so sick"

My thoughts are preoccupied with trying to turn off my thoughts. Leave a complete blank. Or at least achieve complete control so as to not be influenced by straying thoughts that sometimes just won't leave. Separate emotion and reason from the mind. Be able to turn one on and one off if so I wish at any time. Have complete and full control of the body and mind. Speak only when spoken to and even then only what is necessary. But how to reconcile something like that with society? It seems an awful cold way to live, but it's not cold at all I would argue. Just different. And why is that which is different always looked down upon? Even by me? Why is it so hard to accept? Why does everything have to fall in a nice little mold? 

The limitations of our mind and body trouble me greatly. I don't like it. Why have we not evolved further? Why did we just stop here? 

I want to be able to play guitar like a god. I want to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of adoring fans and have them hanging to every word I say. Have complete control over the masses. I want to have charisma. I find myself to be naturally very uncharismatic and off-putting. Not by myself. By others. Most people I meet tend to develop negative opinions about me. Even when I try my best to follow the "mold." I just can't develop that secret magical touch. And it bothers me. I'm very much a control freak. And I crave to be the center of attention. I need attention. Which I find strange, because I"m very much an introvert. 

I want to dress more sharply, but lack of money and proper physical build keep me from being able to wear a lot of clothing "properly." And that thought in itself perplexes me. Why should I care so much about how clothing fits and so much about wearing clothes to fit an aesthetic image as predetermined by society when I question the very reasons others do it? 

I can't reconcile the immense hunger for knowledge with an ever-present feeling of apathy and laziness. The guitar is such a healing instrument. It makes everything alright. And it brings such peace and clarity. Music. I just can't get over it. It's the only thing that seems to drown out the thoughts too. The only thing that can stop the onslaught of persistent existential depression. I love the pool. I love looking at attractive women. I love women so much. So much. That line, "...Miles from Coltrane," it's so beautiful. We're all just posing for pictures that aren't being taken. I want to just lay out in the sun. By the water. And watch the people. Watch the women. I want to talk to women. Never to touch. Never to go any further than talking. But talking. And not in a sexual way. Women just offer such a different feel to a conversation. And it's a very alluring feel. There's something that pulls you in. 

I ask myself why people get so wrapped up in politics. Why we create superfluous codes of behavior, dress and speech for ourselves to only further dilute our efforts at gaining a final result. We create pointless, arbitrary rules for ourselves as society instead of focusing on problems that are tangible and directly affecting in our lives. 

"We're never gonna win the world

We're never gonna stop the war"

Why do we attempt to control the lives of others and constantly let others dictate our lives? How can a government, which is made up out of people, "own" land that those very people are living on? After all, when you buy land, you buy it from another person, who bought it from either the government or somehow acquired it by sheer force themselves. And that's baffling. How does one "own" land? How can they designate some land public and some private? And if you own no "land" then you're tossed out on the street. Who's to say you can't build a house there on the street? The government. Society. Why? Because they own it. But how can they own something? You're paying them to act in your best interest, yet they act in the best interest of a concept. I think people forget that the government is just a concept. They fear the power of constitutions and leaders, of "big government" and other such nonsense. But they forget that it's just a concept. Something like that has absolutely no power what so ever unless you let it. It's a social contract we all "enter" in to it's said. But I disagree. It's a social contract forced upon us. We are raised to believe that this social contract is the only thing there is and that we are willingly entering into it. But which of us actually chose to enter into a contract with society when we were born or became aware of ourselves that dictated these rights to the government and other such arbitrarily powerless concepts? But they say "hey, if you don't like it, you don't have to live here. Go elsewhere." But there is no where else to go! Even if you leave the country and go to another, the same constraints still follow. The same idea of social contracts. The same failing in the minds of others that by electing a system to protect them, they are trapping themselves in this very system without any realization of what they are actually doing. And they believe they can't act out. Can't break the system lest they face punishment as dictated by the system. But why? Why do we let the system punish us for acting out against the system? It's as if a man moves out of his parents house upon realization that he does in fact have free will and choice, yet they still chose to punish him for moving out by setting his bed time and subjecting him to punishments as if he still lived at home. It makes no sense. I fail to see the point of dissenting though. 

People are stupid. In their basest form, stripped of all the superficial bullshit that gives us "worth," we're all stupid. We chase an unknown goal from the time we become aware of ourselves on a path we're not sure we're even on. And when do we reach this goal? How do we know that we will? Or even if there is a goal? Yet we go head on and are so quick to judge others for not adhering to our supposed "path." And vice versa. So we judge others and rank everything without actually knowing why. I'm very judgmental. I hate it. I want to be able to remove every judgement from my mind. I want to take things and people completely at face value. 

"A hundred billion castaways

Looking for a home"

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world. But there will be no one to decipher what the message says. 

Fuck it. Happy 4/20