I'm terribly lonely. All the time. When I'm by myself. When I'm with friends. When I'm out partying. When I'm watching movies. All the time. I've only felt connected twice in my life. With two women. Every other woman I've dated, friend I've had, job or class I've taken...they've all failed to satisfy.
And the thing about it is, I've realized that I'm most driven when I don't have anybody to look forward to seeing. Anybody to look forward to talking to. Or getting that text in the morning. Not because I finally have time to focus on myself, but because my loneliness drives me to push myself. I push myself because in the back of my mind, somewhere, I am still convinced that if I achieve, if I succeed, if I conquer...maybe I won't be lonely anymore. Maybe if I climb to greater heights, I'll finally meet somebody who'll be able to stand beside me with no fear. I push myself to prove to myself, and in some fucked up way, to prove to others (though I doubt anyone actually cares or notices in the same way) that I can do more. That I can be better. That I am worth something. The two times I've felt connected have left me even worse off. I was cheated on. I was lied to. I wasn't good enough, yet somehow too much at the same time. I sat by and watched as mere children toyed with my life. I failed to stand up for myself properly in both cases. Not because I didn't have self respect or because I had no confidence. It was because I remembered how lonely it was before this person, and I was terrified of returning to that. Even if it meant having to slowly die on the inside day by day and pretend like I was socially inept and couldn't read basic clues and signs.
I don't do well on my own. I grew up in a loving family environment. I grew up in a background where love actually meant something. And not romantic love. But love in general. It meant affection, caring, listening, being there for somebody. The older I've become, however, the only thing I've found are broken, twisted versions of this. Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places. I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist at this age in today's societal context. Maybe I'm asking for too much. But is asking for respect too much to ask for? Is asking to have somebody to just be there after a long day too much to ask for?
I realized recently a profound difference between me and every partner I've ever had when it comes to dating or relationships or both. I will sit and listen, and comfort day in and day out, no matter how many times the same issues get rehashed. Because to me, it's the only thing I can do. But whenever I have a bad day, I get looked at as if I've done something wrong. As if I'm not being a man. As if I'm being too difficult to deal with. Maybe it's all about choices. Maybe I'm so desperate to find anyone to fit in with that I let myself be walked all over emotionally. Maybe I'm only looking at it all from one side. Maybe I come off as needy at times. Or not needy enough at others.
I just want to feel like I belong. I don't care about careers. Or money. Or power. I just don't want to wake up when I'm 40 and realize I'm alone. I have terrible, crippling depression every day. Not all day long. But large chunks of day at a time.
Isn't it funny how we're always the most vocal and opposed about the things which we ourselves oppose the most. Or fear the most. I am quick to criticize people who jump into relationships to fill their own personal voids...they that's exactly what I do.
Why do I let others tell me that what I want is unrealistic? Unachievable? Naive? When I tell them of my future plans, they say I'm an egomaniac. That I'm cold. But why should I settle for the ordinary when I feel like I'm destined for so much more just because friends and family cannot conceive the things I'm talking about? They say "why not just live a simple and happy life?" My question is, why live a simple and happy life? Why not live an extraordinary and happy life? I'm in constant turmoil between what I want and what others want from me, and for me. What my parents expect and want from me. Why my significant others expect and want from me. What my friends expect and want from me. Employees. Extended family. Teachers...the list goes on. And then there is what I want.
I don't know what I want for the most part. But I am not afraid of this as I'm constantly told by society that I should be. I'm not afraid because the one thing I know I want cannot be found in society. The thing I want, whatever it may be, transcends the currently-existing norms. I don't want the ordinary. I need the extraordinary to feel alive. The reason I like taking drives when I'm down is because when I'm driving at 100mph, in the middle of the night, down an open road...anything is possible. I'm not constrained by societal norms and expectations. But maybe that's the whole problem.
Maybe part of the reason I've always idolized Superman is because despite everything...he's the loneliest person in the Universe. Yet he still does what is right and necessary.
Maybe I want something that doesn't exist.
"when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken,
the beaten and the damned?...Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non-believers,
the plans that they have made?"
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