We'll carry on

I'm terribly lonely. All the time. When I'm by myself. When I'm with friends. When I'm out partying. When I'm watching movies. All the time. I've only felt connected twice in my life. With two women. Every other woman I've dated, friend I've had, job or class I've taken...they've all failed to satisfy.

And the thing about it is, I've realized that I'm most driven when I don't have anybody to look forward to seeing. Anybody to look forward to talking to. Or getting that text in the morning. Not because I finally have time to focus on myself, but because my loneliness drives me to push myself. I push myself because in the back of my mind, somewhere, I am still convinced that if I achieve, if I succeed, if I conquer...maybe I won't be lonely anymore. Maybe if I climb to greater heights, I'll finally meet somebody who'll be able to stand beside me with no fear. I push myself to prove to myself, and in some fucked up way, to prove to others (though I doubt anyone actually cares or notices in the same way) that I can do more. That I can be better. That I am worth something. The two times I've felt connected have left me even worse off. I was cheated on. I was lied to. I wasn't good enough, yet somehow too much at the same time. I sat by and watched as mere children toyed with my life. I failed to stand up for myself properly in both cases. Not because I didn't have self respect or because I had no confidence. It was because I remembered how lonely it was before this person, and I was terrified of returning to that. Even if it meant having to slowly die on the inside day by day and pretend like I was socially inept and couldn't read basic clues and signs.

I don't do well on my own. I grew up in a loving family environment. I grew up in a background where love actually meant something. And not romantic love. But love in general. It meant affection, caring, listening, being there for somebody. The older I've become, however, the only thing I've found are broken, twisted versions of this. Maybe I'm just looking in all the wrong places. I'm a hopeless romantic. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm looking for something that doesn't exist at this age in today's societal context. Maybe I'm asking for too much. But is asking for respect too much to ask for? Is asking to have somebody to just be there after a long day too much to ask for?

I realized recently a profound difference between me and every partner I've ever had when it comes to dating or relationships or both. I will sit and listen, and comfort day in and day out, no matter how many times the same issues get rehashed. Because to me, it's the only thing I can do. But whenever I have a bad day, I get looked at as if I've done something wrong. As if I'm not being a man. As if I'm being too difficult to deal with. Maybe it's all about choices. Maybe I'm so desperate to find anyone to fit in with that I let myself be walked all over emotionally. Maybe I'm only looking at it all from one side. Maybe I come off as needy at times. Or not needy enough at others.

I just want to feel like I belong. I don't care about careers. Or money. Or power. I just don't want to wake up when I'm 40 and realize I'm alone. I have terrible, crippling depression every day. Not all day long. But large chunks of day at a time.

Isn't it funny how we're always the most vocal and opposed about the things which we ourselves oppose the most. Or fear the most. I am quick to criticize people who jump into relationships to fill their own personal voids...they that's exactly what I do.

Why do I let others tell me that what I want is unrealistic? Unachievable? Naive? When I tell them of my future plans, they say I'm an egomaniac. That I'm cold. But why should I settle for the ordinary when I feel like I'm destined for so much more just because friends and family cannot conceive the things I'm talking about? They say "why not just live a simple and happy life?" My question is, why live a simple and happy life? Why not live an extraordinary and happy life? I'm in constant turmoil between what I want and what others want from me, and for me. What my parents expect and want from me. Why my significant others expect and want from me. What my friends expect and want from me. Employees. Extended family. Teachers...the list goes on. And then there is what I want.

I don't know what I want for the most part. But I am not afraid of this as I'm constantly told by society that I should be. I'm not afraid because the one thing I know I want cannot be found in society. The thing I want, whatever it may be, transcends the currently-existing norms. I don't want the ordinary. I need the extraordinary to feel alive. The reason I like taking drives when I'm down is because when I'm driving at 100mph, in the middle of the night, down an open road...anything is possible. I'm not constrained by societal norms and expectations. But maybe that's the whole problem.

Maybe part of the reason I've always idolized Superman is because despite everything...he's the loneliest person in the Universe. Yet he still does what is right and necessary.

Maybe I want something that doesn't exist.

"when you grow up,
would you be the saviour of the broken, 
the beaten and the damned?...Will you defeat them,
your demons, and all the non-believers, 
the plans that they have made?"

I'm not a prophet or a stone aged man, just a mortal with potential of a superman. I'm living on.

The answer to the seemingly-unanswerable questions I constantly find myself going back to seems very simple: To save the world of man, one has to become more than man.

Is the world really so gray as we seem to want to think? To chose a side makes one 'ignorant' and 'close minded' for denying other options. But to sit around and forever contemplate which action, if any, is truly "more valid" than another in an attempt to find one that would produce the desired, positive results without altering this very fragile system of "freedom" and "equally-valid" choice is absurd.

I wish I had the answers. I wish I had just an answer. To something. Anything. But every time I think I have one I find ten more unanswerable questions. And I find that one answer does not fit all. But what does that mean? That we are meant to go through life endlessly searching for non-existent solutions to problems of the human condition? I don't know the answer. But I refuse to accept this as a fact of our condition. I refuse to believe that we are meant to walk around this planet merely moving from one distraction to another, each in different direction, with no end in sigh to our plight as a rational being. How can reason exist in the world yet be used in such self-destructive ways? How do you affect true change in the world? How do you break the cycle of pain and ignorance that has existed since mankind's inception without having to resort to the tactics of the very system to do so?

But perhaps I've been refusing reality for too long now. Perhaps I am the one who is blind, not society. How do you reconcile the needs of the one, with the needs of the many? Much the same, how do you do it for desires? For dreams. Hopes. Aspirations. How do you create true understanding among beings seemingly incapable of such a thing? How do we transcend the limitations of language?

"I just want to know what blurs and what is clear to see."


I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes somebody great. For me personally...for society...from any perspective really. I desire greatness. I covet it. I covet the power it brings. Not the power to be recognizable as a celebrity, but rather the power to enact real change. To mold the world in the image I perceive as being most beneficial to it. But how selfish of me is this dream? Why should my desires and ideas be any more valid than another person's. At the same time, why should I, as an individual, even care about the opinions and desires of others. If I could be so lucky to make this dream a reality, then does that not simply speak to the extent of my skill and luck in relation to others who have less power?

How do you create a world with equal opportunity for all, yet with consequences for each action we take? And how different would this world really be from the one we currently live in? For all the talk of government totalitarianism, money-oriented class disparity, and education gaps, who is the real captor of our spirits? We are. Ultimately, I believe each choice we make is ours, and ours alone. Thought we may have a number of biological and environmental predispositions, ultimately, we are fully in control of our destiny.

And what of family? I think about my grandmother who is now in her seventies. She lives alone. No family anywhere near. Her two children are thousands of miles away with no way of visiting her. She is in bad health. When she gets sick, she has nobody to even bring her a cup of water to her bedside. And these kinds of thoughts seem to bring a glimmer of clarity. Perhaps I am just as lost as the masses I espouse these empty platitudes against. Though I ask of society why it is so polarized in one direction or the other, I myself am seemingly fixated on "fixing the world." But how polarized is this view? I know that I am no wiser or better than any other human being, philosophically speaking. But pragmatically, I can't help but see myself as such. But maybe this is not a bad thing.

I am only a man. I accept this. I accept the limitations of this condition. Yet I refuse to accept that this condition will remain in this state forever. I refuse to accept that I will never be greater than this.

I am awake. I am unburdened. I know who I am.

And yet here I am...

This whole blogging generation is fucking insane. All it's done is create a world of socially inept, emotionally crippled, grammar-challenged half-wits and insanely unrealistic expectations. And Facebook is the worst one of all.

It's a horribly cold disconnect.

I'm fucking terrified of the real world man. I would give anything to be six again. I'm fucking lost man, and it's...just terrifying.

It's been a long time man. Been a long time.

But the best thing in all of this is the fact that none of it fucking matters. Not a single bit of it.

I'm doing this for me

I suppose it's one of those seasonal moments of "clarity" I go through every now and again.

I suppose as of late the one question that's been weighing on my mind more than any other is why? Why do we do what we do? Why do we classify some things as acceptable and others an unacceptable? Why do we allow certain social constructs in while blocking others out?

It seems to me that pretty much all our "experts," our "leaders," our "learned" men are just that - men. They have no secrets. No greater knowledge than the common buffoon plucked from the street. All they have is the knowledge of the way their particular system works within the greater system and how to manipulate it. They make it up as they go. In this respect, why are men so afraid of failure? Aside from that fact that often, longer endeavors can prove to be rather time-wasteful, failure in itself is not bad. Granted I won't go as far as to argue that it is good either (a "good lessom" so some would argue). Rather, it just is. We try something. We succeed? Great. We fail? Well, so what. Even the time we spent isn't that much of a waste I would argue. We passed time and kept ourselves busy long enough to distract ourselves from the general existential burdens and breakdowns.

Second problem I keep going back to is my struggle with the divine. Not a god, or God, or any deity in particular. Not even whether or not such a thing exists or not, or whether it is benevolent or not. I've long since decided neither is truly important. What is important is the injustice perpetrated by those who bow to these beliefs and judge humanity according to these outside standards. Those who bow to these forces and humble themselves before them. Those who argue that all evil and injustice is a teaching tool. A testing tool against which humanity may sharpen itself. But I ask you: if a man murders a child, where is the justice for that child, in this life or the other. Even if he is put to death in the most brutal of manners in this life, where is the justice for that child? What good does his subsequent punishment by death do for that child? He is now dead forever, and forever stripped of his chance to be. And even if there is such a thing as an after life, with a place for the good and a place for the bad, what good is that for the child? What good is it for this man to go to hell to pay for killing a child? After all, once again, the child gets nothing from this. It is a system flawed from beginning. It's as if humanity is constantly playing catch up with justice. But no preemptive measure can be taken without taking away man's freedom, one might say. But why is 'freedom' worth this price? Why do we willingly give over a part of ourselves to attain something none of us truly ever exercise. After all, do we ever truly utilize this freedom for which we've paid such a high price? No, truly we don't. For as soon as we have a taste of freedom and are faced with its consequences, the words in small print we never bargained or bothered to check for, we gladly give it away to various social constructs for peace of mind and security, knowing full well the price we've paid for it. We give it to our presidents, our armies, our CEO's, our principals...in other words, our learned men who are no better than we are in any regard, yet whom we raised up to the status of gods on earth. And in the end what have we gained? We've traded away justice and security for merely a shadow of itself, the base and degenerate form we have created in our own hubris and image. But the saddest of all is the fact that there is no escape from this. Once you sign the social contract, you are bound to it for life. And you never have a choice on the contract. None of us were ever offered the choice to sign or not. Instead, we were led blind to where we signed, by men who knew not where they led or why they led.

So eat, drink, be merry. For tomorrow we die.

So why worry one's self with such useless musings and notions then? Why spend nights agonizing over questions whose answers are forever just out of reach. Just be. Fast cars, fast women and cheap drinks.

"So why would you care
To get out of this place
You and me and all our friends

Such a happy human race."

Smile. Life is still worthwhile. 

I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job...

Taking a look in the mirror. It's depressing. It's a trip down the rabbit hole farther than one perhaps intends. It's scary.

"And how can we win,
When fools can be kings"

I'm a coward. I can't stand to see others be happy. I can't stand to not be the center of attention. I'm too prone to envy and jealousy. Instead of being happy for others, I only envy and resent them. Even if I'm perfectly well off, I crave to be better than them. It validates me. And I hate it. I want to love humanity and forgive those who do wrong against me, but I can't find the strength in me. I want to accept all without judging and take them as they are, but I find myself unable to for whatever reason. And I don't know why. I'm filled with hate and anger. And envy. And jealousy. I judge humanity to be base and beyond saving, yet I myself am the worst specimen of all. I want control yet can't handle the responsibility that comes along with it. I want power but don't want to be held accountable. I hate being chastised and rebuked. I hate being criticized. I can't take criticism. I hide behind the veil of an "ego," yet have no confidence in myself. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. I hate getting up in the morning and realizing that I'm not the person I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Realizing that I"m a coward and that all my shortcomings are my fault. I blame others, yet know that it's ultimately my fault. But I refuse to accept it. I pretend that I'm better than everyone else in order to shield myself from the realization and the pain that comes with it. I talk down to others constantly. I hide behind cynicism and witty facts to make myself appear smarter or better than others, but I know they're nothing but illusions and masks. I can't face myself. I'm suicidal. I don't know to what degree. But the thoughts have been preoccupying me lately. What if I just let go of it all. Would it be better? I know I'd hurt some people, but I wouldn't feel this way anymore. I'd be able to estinguish thoughts. And the pain that comes with them. I want to be better. I want to fit in. I lack charisma. I make up circumstances and interactions in my mind to give myself a false sense of worth so I can say "well I could do that if I tried...but I just don't want to try because it's pointless seeing as how I know I can already do it, and do it better." I am everything I hate about others. I'm a reflection of the worst parts of humanity. I claim intelligence yet fail to realize even the most basic things. I rely on luck to pass off as skill. When I can't be the best, I claim the system is broken. That it's the system being inadequate for my far superior skill, or intelligence, or any number of things I tell myself to justify my short comings. I quit too often. I'm a quitter. I can't accept compliments. I can't accept losing. Or winning. I'm constantly off putting. I lack confidence in myself or my abilities. I have no self esteem. I hide behind the superficial. 

I want to be king.

But I have hope. I know that in despair there are those who look at me as I am, and accept that. And it makes me wonder why? Why, despite all my harsh words, and bad attitude, and childish behavior, they still welcome me back with open arms. And they ask for nothing in return. I over analyze. I try to make sense of things that already make sense. I try to look at the deeper meaning to things all the while neglecting the meaning in front of me. I refuse to accept things as they are. I hate humanity. I wish to see this whole world burn and all human life wiped out. I hate bureaucracy. I hate democracy and the emergence of the modern man and society. I hate money and the society it drives. I hate individualism. But I hate it because I love people. I hate them because I can't stand to see them fall so short of their potential. I can see what humanity can be. And the great heights it can reach. And the good it can do. Yet it constantly fails. And it kills me to see that. I can't accept to see humanity and people treat each other the way they do and take advantage of each other and trample on each other. And yes there is still good in people, but it's far overshadowed by the selfish individualistic self exalting majority. And I am part of that majority. I hate humanity because I'm no less human than anyone else. Because it acts the way I do. And it's the same as me. 

"Flick the switch and open your third eye, you'd see that

We should never be afraid to die"

Down the rabbit hole and back out again.

Even now, the cycle of bullshit and generalizations and overcompensating 'realizations' continues.

"So go, find a new way of coping with being alive.
When you find it don't tell me, I don't want to hear all your lies."

But I'm ok now. I find that by finally taking a look in the mirror, and looking at the reflection, it makes sense. 

"So what's it going to take for you to realize
it all could go away in one blink of an eye?"

You dream the dream. You dance the dance. You sing the song. You live the life. You wake up. You go about your day. You enjoy the company of those you have. You try to maximize the positive. You deal with the negative. You eat, rest and laugh. You sleep. And repeat. And you realize how precious that is. How precious being alive is. What a gift it is. And what a curse. But what a wonderful curse. A curse like none other. Priceless. And you take a breath and enjoy the view. And live the life you want to. Enough with all the whining, moaning and bitching. The analyzing. The justifying. The prioritizing. Be. For each good, there is a bad. For each bad, there is good. For every wrong there is a right. For every right there is a wrong. You do the best with what you have, and you hold on for dear life. All things are going to happen naturally. As they will. As they always have. And you hope for an answer to the bigger questions. You build your walls, and you gather security blankets, and you build your fences, and gate off your communities. And you open your heart to others, and you laugh, and you sing, and you feel the warmth of sharing that part of yourself. And you cry. And you smile. And hurt. And you contemplate. And you realize. And you drink. And you say stupid things. You make amends. You apologize. You regret and you vow to change. You learn from others and serve as an example. And you build a movie set. To tear it down. To entertain and to express. To be popular. To drink away the solitude. And you blog. You reach out to a voice in the void. You hope to hear. You turn on the radio and get lost in sound. 

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

You play martyr. You dream of heroism. You revile in the base and laugh at the meek. You fantasize about the good and the bad. You walk both paths, and pick as you go. 

What would you do if the world ended tomorrow? If everything you knew came to an end. And you lost everything. If the world just stopped being. Would you care? Would you feel it? Would you feel it for the others? For everyone else? Would you care about self preservation? Or would you worry about your family? Your friends? Your girlfriends and boyfriends? Humanity? Would you have hope or would you give in? Would you do because you can? Would you think about your fucking dog? Would you go back to your nine to five after that? Could you just get into your car and drive away from it all? Shrug your shoulders and drive away? Could you give your life to save another? And expect nothing in return? No glory. No sad story in the paper. No news headline. No sweet words at your funeral. Just give your life for someone and never have it known. Not even by that person. Would you give your life to end all genocide? To end world hunger? End poverty? End all the pain and suffering through disease? To bring fathers and brothers home from war? Could you look hell in the face and laugh? Turn away and walk away? 

I don't know if I could. I don't know if I'd do any of it. I don't know if I"m man enough. I used to think I'd readily give myself for any of these. I used to think I was the hero in the nightmares, rescuing the weak, saving the fallen. I used to imagine myself as a trumpeter of the glory days to come. A beacon of hope and light in a world so devoid  of both. That I was special. Unique. Original. Misunderstood. That no one knew what I had gone through. What I thought. What I could be. I still do. I'll think this for as long as I can think. 

A weight is lifted on this evening. 

"A falling star

At least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain."

I don't want to love the world. I don't want to forgive anymore. I don't want to accept everyone. I don't want to be the great hope and beacon of light amidst a failing world. I don't want to stand out and be the champion. I don't want to get along with everyone. I don't want to smile and pretend everything is alright. I just want to be. Be me. Be myself. No masks. No language. No subtlety. No walls. I want to face the man in the mirror and earn his respect once and for all. I want to show him that the world beyond the looking glass is not as dark as it may appear. I want to show him that it's ok to step through that window and join us. I don't want to live for any great philosophy. I don't want to live for any great ideal. I don't want to live as a martyr for a cause. I don't want to be associated with a particular personality or set of thoughts, ideas, ideals, contributions, actions, or anything else. I just want to wake up in the morning, and face the mirror. Knowing that I am who I am. That this is what it is. And that it's ok. It's okay. So turn the music up. Turn on the bass. Face the mob. And dance. The gunshots sling away, and their sound sets the beat. The bullets compel you to move. So move. Drop the disguise. And aim to kill. Be merry. And be kind. And give the world what it needs. Be what you are. Be who you are. But do it like no one else. Run. Run away. Run for your life. Just run. 

So I sit here with a glass of milk. And I listen to the poets of our generation. I lose myself in their words. And they make it alright. And their words purify. And I'm looking on the bright side, and balancing the whole damn thing. 

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words;
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages for words."

I've found the most amazing woman in the world. And she completes me. And she makes life worth living. And it makes everything alright just to be around her. To hear her voice. To know that she's there. I'm almost finally out of words. Someone once said that the art of the tumble is to be humble and realize nothing is wrong. Take ownership of the situation. Be proud that you fucked up perfectly. Then smile, and wave. 

"Well if you should nervously break down

When its time for the shakedown would you take it?
It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it.
And don't it feel alright. And don't it feel so nice.
Lovely."

Say it again. Do we all dream of dreams or are our dreams the reality in which we are now being dreamt up? Such childish questions. Yet so intriguing. How do you ever really know? What's the difference between a lucid dream and reality? As I lay me down tonight, I close my eyes. What a beautiful sight. Once I dry my eyes I'll climb on. It takes some work to make it work. And it takes some good to make it hurt. It takes the one to know the other. In time to get away. 

For now, I'm glad god is asleep. But time goes on. 

Show me what I'm looking for

Why do people choose to remember history? Why do we analyze our lives as they are in the present with respect to how they were in the past and how we anticipate them to be in the future? Why do we consider the consequences of our actions? Why is it impossible to know everything. Be an expert in everything?

Why is it that every time I undertake to learn everything there is to learn I get side tracked by getting wrapped up in the small parts of the bigger picture and forget the big picture all together? Yet each of these small parts is a mosaic in its own right. So how do we beat this Zeno Paradox?

"i once had a grip on everything
it feels better to let go"

It really does feel better to let go though. I'm interested in why we do what we do. Why we focus on some things? Why we gravitate toward certain decisions and fields of focus? Sure it can be said that it's because of "society," but what makes "society" choose to gravitate toward those things?

Ever since I was little I've had a Truman Show-esque feeling toward my life. As if I was constantly being watched and manipulated by a greater force in respect to the circumstances and interactions I've had. And not a "god" force really. I've always believed since I can remember that I'm meant for something monumental. And I don't mean necessarily a greater good. For whatever reason, I just have always felt and been strongly pulled toward the idea that there will come a time in my life sometime (and it feels ever closer each day) when I'll end up altering the world as we know it, whether for better or for worse. Not really sure which. Just one way or another. It feels like knowing I"m going to create the next major paradigm shift in the course of humanity/society by influencing a large number of people/of the population. How? I don't know. I know that if it does happen (which I'm strangely led to believe it will), it will not be through the path I'm embarked on now. It won't be through college or through my career path. It won't be through any of the events I anticipate to happen as a result of the track I'm on now. It's not a belief necessarily. More of a feeling than anything. An obsession of sorts. Perhaps it's just an overinflated ego. Perhaps I'm just trying to compensate for something lacking in my life or personality by deluding myself with dreams of grandeur. But I don't feel like it is. All of life is a choice, and I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm meant for a more influential choice. 

In a very strange way, I feel that I've fully realized the meaning of life. And it's a dark place to go. As if all there is to life is this. Our purpose is to wake up in the morning and go about our day. And make our choices. And that's it. And our choices don't mean anything past our momentary mental state. Yet they affect the rest of our lives. And so it's a constant cycle. A never ending run on the mill.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Every day. Each and every moment. Decisions.

"Decision sits so make it quick

A breath inhaled from an air so sick"

My thoughts are preoccupied with trying to turn off my thoughts. Leave a complete blank. Or at least achieve complete control so as to not be influenced by straying thoughts that sometimes just won't leave. Separate emotion and reason from the mind. Be able to turn one on and one off if so I wish at any time. Have complete and full control of the body and mind. Speak only when spoken to and even then only what is necessary. But how to reconcile something like that with society? It seems an awful cold way to live, but it's not cold at all I would argue. Just different. And why is that which is different always looked down upon? Even by me? Why is it so hard to accept? Why does everything have to fall in a nice little mold? 

The limitations of our mind and body trouble me greatly. I don't like it. Why have we not evolved further? Why did we just stop here? 

I want to be able to play guitar like a god. I want to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of adoring fans and have them hanging to every word I say. Have complete control over the masses. I want to have charisma. I find myself to be naturally very uncharismatic and off-putting. Not by myself. By others. Most people I meet tend to develop negative opinions about me. Even when I try my best to follow the "mold." I just can't develop that secret magical touch. And it bothers me. I'm very much a control freak. And I crave to be the center of attention. I need attention. Which I find strange, because I"m very much an introvert. 

I want to dress more sharply, but lack of money and proper physical build keep me from being able to wear a lot of clothing "properly." And that thought in itself perplexes me. Why should I care so much about how clothing fits and so much about wearing clothes to fit an aesthetic image as predetermined by society when I question the very reasons others do it? 

I can't reconcile the immense hunger for knowledge with an ever-present feeling of apathy and laziness. The guitar is such a healing instrument. It makes everything alright. And it brings such peace and clarity. Music. I just can't get over it. It's the only thing that seems to drown out the thoughts too. The only thing that can stop the onslaught of persistent existential depression. I love the pool. I love looking at attractive women. I love women so much. So much. That line, "...Miles from Coltrane," it's so beautiful. We're all just posing for pictures that aren't being taken. I want to just lay out in the sun. By the water. And watch the people. Watch the women. I want to talk to women. Never to touch. Never to go any further than talking. But talking. And not in a sexual way. Women just offer such a different feel to a conversation. And it's a very alluring feel. There's something that pulls you in. 

I ask myself why people get so wrapped up in politics. Why we create superfluous codes of behavior, dress and speech for ourselves to only further dilute our efforts at gaining a final result. We create pointless, arbitrary rules for ourselves as society instead of focusing on problems that are tangible and directly affecting in our lives. 

"We're never gonna win the world

We're never gonna stop the war"

Why do we attempt to control the lives of others and constantly let others dictate our lives? How can a government, which is made up out of people, "own" land that those very people are living on? After all, when you buy land, you buy it from another person, who bought it from either the government or somehow acquired it by sheer force themselves. And that's baffling. How does one "own" land? How can they designate some land public and some private? And if you own no "land" then you're tossed out on the street. Who's to say you can't build a house there on the street? The government. Society. Why? Because they own it. But how can they own something? You're paying them to act in your best interest, yet they act in the best interest of a concept. I think people forget that the government is just a concept. They fear the power of constitutions and leaders, of "big government" and other such nonsense. But they forget that it's just a concept. Something like that has absolutely no power what so ever unless you let it. It's a social contract we all "enter" in to it's said. But I disagree. It's a social contract forced upon us. We are raised to believe that this social contract is the only thing there is and that we are willingly entering into it. But which of us actually chose to enter into a contract with society when we were born or became aware of ourselves that dictated these rights to the government and other such arbitrarily powerless concepts? But they say "hey, if you don't like it, you don't have to live here. Go elsewhere." But there is no where else to go! Even if you leave the country and go to another, the same constraints still follow. The same idea of social contracts. The same failing in the minds of others that by electing a system to protect them, they are trapping themselves in this very system without any realization of what they are actually doing. And they believe they can't act out. Can't break the system lest they face punishment as dictated by the system. But why? Why do we let the system punish us for acting out against the system? It's as if a man moves out of his parents house upon realization that he does in fact have free will and choice, yet they still chose to punish him for moving out by setting his bed time and subjecting him to punishments as if he still lived at home. It makes no sense. I fail to see the point of dissenting though. 

People are stupid. In their basest form, stripped of all the superficial bullshit that gives us "worth," we're all stupid. We chase an unknown goal from the time we become aware of ourselves on a path we're not sure we're even on. And when do we reach this goal? How do we know that we will? Or even if there is a goal? Yet we go head on and are so quick to judge others for not adhering to our supposed "path." And vice versa. So we judge others and rank everything without actually knowing why. I'm very judgmental. I hate it. I want to be able to remove every judgement from my mind. I want to take things and people completely at face value. 

"A hundred billion castaways

Looking for a home"

I'll send an S.O.S. to the world. But there will be no one to decipher what the message says. 

Fuck it. Happy 4/20

They asked us if we could leave...

"you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines..."

...Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to. 

I don't sleep with a new girl. I'm quite happy with that. And my friends approve of her, even with her being good for me. She doesn't put too much stock in the Bible, and has such a dirty mouth. I like that about her. She's awkward in some certain situations and not very artsy. I love that line. And it's such a comfortable love for sure. 

I listen to music to tune out my thoughts. Memories of last year keep flooding my mind more and more. Trying to figure out what it all means. Why the brain and emotions function the way they do. I'm not faking any smiles. She has flaws, but that's what impresses me. It's a fine line between being misanthropic and social. But how do you face yourself and look in the mirror every morning. 

I roll with the punches for now. I learn to wade through the waters of sea-foam green. I learn to catch the tears falling from heaven and fill my cup with the morning dew. I emerge into the new order a succubus, a political vanguard with colored opinions and tainted speech, skewed view and irrational decisions. I pick the first one and cast the stone in hopes of creating ripples that will change the world. If there is a heaven and hell, I don't belong in heaven. I'm shy of the hours needed to graduate to the ranks of the angelic beings. So I stand at the door and cast stones at the windows, hoping to entice a maiden to grant me entrance. I ride the music wave to the heart of this world and watch as the ripples permeate all that is good. I combat the darkness with my soul and my silence and stand as the only beacon of hope and light. I permeate your thoughts and wedge my life in subtlety. I can safely say I'm in. I'm in.

I don't want to be a pen by which history is rewritten. I want to guide no man to the promise land. I just want to turn the thoughts off and drift into the seeming oblivion of the androids who do in fact dream of sheep. The safety blanket of all that is innocent in youth slowly slips and the silence is deafening. It is a cold space which chills to the bone. 

We're lost. All so utterly, inexplicably lost. We focus on the small and we worry about things that do not truly matter. Compare us to our ancestors and surely we are no worse. Yet we are better of in every regard, fail to realize this though we do. So block it all off. Shut it all off. Reboot this machine we call earth and give way to the new generation. But do so and forsake the beauty. The majesty. The elegance and the gift like no other. To do so would be righteous. Yet to do so would be the travesty of eons. 

The drugs that rot our minds offer the brief pathway into the otherworldly of which can only dream of. The escape is damnable. Do or do not, there is no try. Yet in trying we do and in doing we enable. And in enabling we only further what we know is not right. And in furthering it we are simply driven to do not. But how can one do not and waste what is supposed to be given. The dream is ever present, so effervescent, so out of reach. It walks in the shadows, behind walls and the curtains, it is the noise on our windows that disappears when we search for it. So what is one to do. What can I do. How do I live and not waste my life. How do I know I have lived a good life? A fulfilling life?

Music. Music. It's all about music. It's the thread that connects and separates. The flowing liquid guiding our paths while we watch on and wonder. Can't remember, what went wrong last September. Though I can. I am reminded all the time. And yet in my comfort my memories haunt me. They race through my mind and I have lost the power to turn them off. 

"I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to

my friends all approve, say she's gonna be good for you
they throw me, high fives"

I prefer profanity. A dirty mouth is the cleanest mouth. It is the one most true to itself. No pretenses. Just being yourself. How to be yourself? What does that even mean? Do words even really have any meaning? Is there power in the man who does not speak but observes? Is the age old adage no longer relevant in our time? Is he a fool now who does not speak though he knows, and he how does not know but speaks a hero? A gentleman of the highest regard. 

The sea-foam green permeates this moment. Filled with a yellow undertone and a blue hue. The more I think the less I think, the less I know. My mind melts away and my thoughts take their own form in the void oblivion. I no longer seek approval. For your opinion I do not care. It factors not into my equation. The purple onions dance in front of the pink unicorn pony and as he jumps over the rainbow his white horn explodes with the mindless numbness that is so sought after. It calms the people and the nations rejoice in his love, his compassion and his care for them. They are but ants, clothed in their burlap sacks and riding their waves to safety as their fields sit and rot, yet they thank him. They praise him and call him Lord. Our God they say, you have freed us from temptation and have given us the promise of the eternal. This world matters not for someday we will get to ride your rainbow in the sky and sit by your side. All the while, he looks quizzically and fails to comprehend. Was it all for him? Was his the glory? The eternal and everlasting? Did Thomas suffer for his sake? Why? 

"You remember the house on Ridge Road 

told you and the Devil to both just leave me alone.
If this is salvation, I can show you the trembling.
You'll just have to trust me. I'm scared."

Are we all just a lost cause? Do our words fall on deaf ears? What's the price of four little souls? The price of the magician is a burden we shall all bear! Just lost causes. Music and lost causes. It goes and drives the earth as the spine chilling shrill permeates our ears. They go on. They march and like ants fall in line. They follow the line to the bottle of hydrochloric acid which burns them all, their flesh mixing with the smell and the putrid stench an acrid cry for help. Yet they march. They leave no comrade behind. They march like without a head and wait for the great salvation to overtake us all. The comrades watch as we all fall down like a brick house of dominoes. 

"Oh, please don't drop me home

Because its not my home, its their
Home, and I'm welcome no more"

For now I am found. I stand above the ocean and watch the foam collect. To die by your side, all of you, well the pleasure and privlidge truly is mine. I am doomed to watch you and you me, and I will watch you until my eyes no longer hold their sparkle, and defend you with my last breath. But no longer will I be me. We gave up that right when we were raised. I go. I live. I learn. And I fail. And I wait for the light before being cast into the hell I believe not in. I am the light. Are you? I will never go out and I will live on forever. For I am not a solitary soldier. I am one of a million. My generation shall prosper and fight on. I am an antique in an ever forgetting world. There is a light and I am it. 

The city is burning and we are all trapped. So we dance. We dance to the music. We will never leave, even if they ask us. For we must dance to the music. The music compels us to dance. So we dance and never leave. It our own personal hell after all. 

And they say we are lost. No my friends, we are not lost. We're just dancing to their music no longer, but to our own beat. I dream of Katy Perry. I think I should know how to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out. I am an everlasting hunter. In a moment like this, clarity is visible. And the meaning of life is before us all. So we drink to kill ourselves. 

I'm not your knight in shinning armor. It's time to go our separate ways. I won't regret I'll just forget. I'm through letting this torment me. No longer will you be a monster underneath my bed. 

We have come to the end of the ride. Which way will you go? Personally, I'm going North. Follow the migration of the birds and watch the sparrows collect on the birch. To see them is to be alive.  

I hear what you're saying, but you're missing the point. So before we cause a problem could we solve it instead? 

I'm dreaming with a broken heart. But I am awake. 

Rose in hand, I step outside.