Why is it that every time I undertake to learn everything there is to learn I get side tracked by getting wrapped up in the small parts of the bigger picture and forget the big picture all together? Yet each of these small parts is a mosaic in its own right. So how do we beat this Zeno Paradox?
"i once had a grip on everything
it feels better to let go"
It really does feel better to let go though. I'm interested in why we do what we do. Why we focus on some things? Why we gravitate toward certain decisions and fields of focus? Sure it can be said that it's because of "society," but what makes "society" choose to gravitate toward those things?
Ever since I was little I've had a Truman Show-esque feeling toward my life. As if I was constantly being watched and manipulated by a greater force in respect to the circumstances and interactions I've had. And not a "god" force really. I've always believed since I can remember that I'm meant for something monumental. And I don't mean necessarily a greater good. For whatever reason, I just have always felt and been strongly pulled toward the idea that there will come a time in my life sometime (and it feels ever closer each day) when I'll end up altering the world as we know it, whether for better or for worse. Not really sure which. Just one way or another. It feels like knowing I"m going to create the next major paradigm shift in the course of humanity/society by influencing a large number of people/of the population. How? I don't know. I know that if it does happen (which I'm strangely led to believe it will), it will not be through the path I'm embarked on now. It won't be through college or through my career path. It won't be through any of the events I anticipate to happen as a result of the track I'm on now. It's not a belief necessarily. More of a feeling than anything. An obsession of sorts. Perhaps it's just an overinflated ego. Perhaps I'm just trying to compensate for something lacking in my life or personality by deluding myself with dreams of grandeur. But I don't feel like it is. All of life is a choice, and I can't help but shake the feeling that I'm meant for a more influential choice.
In a very strange way, I feel that I've fully realized the meaning of life. And it's a dark place to go. As if all there is to life is this. Our purpose is to wake up in the morning and go about our day. And make our choices. And that's it. And our choices don't mean anything past our momentary mental state. Yet they affect the rest of our lives. And so it's a constant cycle. A never ending run on the mill.
Decisions. Decisions. Decisions. Every day. Each and every moment. Decisions.
"Decision sits so make it quick
A breath inhaled from an air so sick"My thoughts are preoccupied with trying to turn off my thoughts. Leave a complete blank. Or at least achieve complete control so as to not be influenced by straying thoughts that sometimes just won't leave. Separate emotion and reason from the mind. Be able to turn one on and one off if so I wish at any time. Have complete and full control of the body and mind. Speak only when spoken to and even then only what is necessary. But how to reconcile something like that with society? It seems an awful cold way to live, but it's not cold at all I would argue. Just different. And why is that which is different always looked down upon? Even by me? Why is it so hard to accept? Why does everything have to fall in a nice little mold?
The limitations of our mind and body trouble me greatly. I don't like it. Why have we not evolved further? Why did we just stop here?
I want to be able to play guitar like a god. I want to stand on a stage in front of hundreds of thousands of adoring fans and have them hanging to every word I say. Have complete control over the masses. I want to have charisma. I find myself to be naturally very uncharismatic and off-putting. Not by myself. By others. Most people I meet tend to develop negative opinions about me. Even when I try my best to follow the "mold." I just can't develop that secret magical touch. And it bothers me. I'm very much a control freak. And I crave to be the center of attention. I need attention. Which I find strange, because I"m very much an introvert.
I want to dress more sharply, but lack of money and proper physical build keep me from being able to wear a lot of clothing "properly." And that thought in itself perplexes me. Why should I care so much about how clothing fits and so much about wearing clothes to fit an aesthetic image as predetermined by society when I question the very reasons others do it?
I can't reconcile the immense hunger for knowledge with an ever-present feeling of apathy and laziness. The guitar is such a healing instrument. It makes everything alright. And it brings such peace and clarity. Music. I just can't get over it. It's the only thing that seems to drown out the thoughts too. The only thing that can stop the onslaught of persistent existential depression. I love the pool. I love looking at attractive women. I love women so much. So much. That line, "...Miles from Coltrane," it's so beautiful. We're all just posing for pictures that aren't being taken. I want to just lay out in the sun. By the water. And watch the people. Watch the women. I want to talk to women. Never to touch. Never to go any further than talking. But talking. And not in a sexual way. Women just offer such a different feel to a conversation. And it's a very alluring feel. There's something that pulls you in.
I ask myself why people get so wrapped up in politics. Why we create superfluous codes of behavior, dress and speech for ourselves to only further dilute our efforts at gaining a final result. We create pointless, arbitrary rules for ourselves as society instead of focusing on problems that are tangible and directly affecting in our lives.
"We're never gonna win the world
We're never gonna stop the war"Why do we attempt to control the lives of others and constantly let others dictate our lives? How can a government, which is made up out of people, "own" land that those very people are living on? After all, when you buy land, you buy it from another person, who bought it from either the government or somehow acquired it by sheer force themselves. And that's baffling. How does one "own" land? How can they designate some land public and some private? And if you own no "land" then you're tossed out on the street. Who's to say you can't build a house there on the street? The government. Society. Why? Because they own it. But how can they own something? You're paying them to act in your best interest, yet they act in the best interest of a concept. I think people forget that the government is just a concept. They fear the power of constitutions and leaders, of "big government" and other such nonsense. But they forget that it's just a concept. Something like that has absolutely no power what so ever unless you let it. It's a social contract we all "enter" in to it's said. But I disagree. It's a social contract forced upon us. We are raised to believe that this social contract is the only thing there is and that we are willingly entering into it. But which of us actually chose to enter into a contract with society when we were born or became aware of ourselves that dictated these rights to the government and other such arbitrarily powerless concepts? But they say "hey, if you don't like it, you don't have to live here. Go elsewhere." But there is no where else to go! Even if you leave the country and go to another, the same constraints still follow. The same idea of social contracts. The same failing in the minds of others that by electing a system to protect them, they are trapping themselves in this very system without any realization of what they are actually doing. And they believe they can't act out. Can't break the system lest they face punishment as dictated by the system. But why? Why do we let the system punish us for acting out against the system? It's as if a man moves out of his parents house upon realization that he does in fact have free will and choice, yet they still chose to punish him for moving out by setting his bed time and subjecting him to punishments as if he still lived at home. It makes no sense. I fail to see the point of dissenting though.
People are stupid. In their basest form, stripped of all the superficial bullshit that gives us "worth," we're all stupid. We chase an unknown goal from the time we become aware of ourselves on a path we're not sure we're even on. And when do we reach this goal? How do we know that we will? Or even if there is a goal? Yet we go head on and are so quick to judge others for not adhering to our supposed "path." And vice versa. So we judge others and rank everything without actually knowing why. I'm very judgmental. I hate it. I want to be able to remove every judgement from my mind. I want to take things and people completely at face value.
"A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home"I'll send an S.O.S. to the world. But there will be no one to decipher what the message says.
Fuck it. Happy 4/20
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