Very beautiful line.
I want to be able to write from the subconscious. Stream of consciousness is very fascinating. It's very intriguing how people are able to create such amazing works of art and make it seem so natural.
Music writer fascinate me. The work it takes to create the perfect blend of lyrics with meaning and make them relateable to everyone is just insane.
"Well if you should nervously break down
When its time for the shakedown would you take it
It's when you cry just a little but you laugh in the middle that you've made it
And don't it feel allright. and don't it feel so nice? "
I like that a lot. It's very uplifting. Lately I find myself in a weird limbo mentally speaking. Everything is fine. Nothing is wrong. But nothing is particularly interesting or "right" so to say. Everything just sort of is. And it's a positive sort of "is" though. I'm looking forward to spring break. Not sure what that'll bring, but I figure it'll be interesting. I want to read. I want to read all the books I can think of in an instant, yet be able to fully feel the experience of actually reading the book and having read the book at the same time. It's confusing. I love books. The physical act of owning a book is just...there's something very special about it. The smell, the feel, the sound of pages. It's a very comforting thing. It's as if when everything else is going wrong, books are always there and constant and same. There's something very comforting about that.
I want to know people more. I want to know people on a more personal level. Find out about them. Talk to them. I love the stage of relationships (friendship/romantic/etc) where you're just getting to know the person. There's something very magical and exciting about that. It's very refreshing. And I want to do nothing but talk to people. And listen to them. And hear their views. And tell them mine. And change them. And adapt them.
I really like Jason Mraz's music. I also like Robert Pattinson's music. It's very bluesy and tortured-soul type of music. Like the old blues. "Mraz" means frost in most Slavic languages.
I want to do everything and be involved in everything, yet I'm too lazy and lethargic to do any of it. I love the dreaming stage. I want to dream things up, and come up with ideas, and then see them implemented without having to put any of my effort in. But I want it done my way and want to experience it.
Now that ALMUN's over, it's a very bittersweet moment. I hated ALMUN near the end. It gave me headaches and a queasy stomach to think about it, but I don't think it was the stress. I realized it was the fear that was making me feel that way. I had come to believe that I failed in the expectations for the conference, and that I would let down not only the club members, but the sponsors and students, and leave the conference even off than it was before I ever took it on. And it terrified me. I wanted nothing but the best for this conference, and near the end, I began to believe that I couldn't give it what it needed and deserved. And it scared the hell out of me. So I ran. And I gave up. And I complained and I quit. I took the coward's way out because I wasn't strong enough to face the possibility of having failed. And that scares me. It says a lot about me as a person. And I always thought that when it came to situations such as that, I'd be able to step up. But over the past year a lot has changed.
I rarely talk to my parents anymore. It scares me. I don't think I'm handling the transition into this new phase of life as well as I thought I would when it came. It came so suddenly and so subtly that I feel like I didn't even realize what was happening before it happened. I love a good beer. A nice, rich, dark beer just sits so right. It's very comforting. Not even for the alcohol. Can't explain it.
I've been trying to find the balance between not caring about the minor and the unimportant, and yet caring enough so that I don't come of as lethargic and apathetic. I'm not apathetic. That's not it. It's just that I can't stand to see the people, and the system, and the world in general, in such a state as it is. I can see possible solutions for all of it, yet each one of them has an unintended negative consequence. It's like, I can't stand to watch the world so close to perfection yet so far away, yet at the same time I can't do anything about it. It's the worst Catch 22.
I'm looking forward to being able to afford a new guitar. Already have her in mind. I miss playing guitar. It's very...it's hard to explain. Music really does seem like the glue that holds the world together. It makes so much of our life. Emotions. Mental State. Thoughts. It's so intertwined into every part of our life that I don't think I even realize the full scope of it. I really want to get to know the different people on campus who work on different styles of music and learn from them. I want to do so much. Now that I'm about to enter my last year of college, I see how much I've wasted and how much potential it had. But I don't think it would have made any difference. Hindsight and all that.
"If all is grounded, you should go make a mountain out of it."
I like that quote a lot. Very self empowering. I worry about my health. About the unforeseen that could happen and change my life forever. Yet I know I can't do anything about it and it's pointless. I really want to learn to write computer code. I'd love to be computer savvy and do a hacker-esque job for my "9-5."
I like marijuana.
I like marijuana.
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