Maybe I'll sleep when I'm dead

"Everyone needs to chill the fuck out and worry about their own business." - Daniel Brasher


I like that. But at the same time it worries me. How can one NOT worry about others. After all, with even the most minute bit of empathy, how could we not worry about others. 


I was engaged in a discussion last night. It was particularly negative or positive for me because it elicited no emotional reaction, but it was enlightening. It came up during a commercial in which President Obama was mentioning about how we need to help the poor in America. The other person agreed with that (which I mean, how could one not, right?) and then went on to say that we should focus on helping Americans instead of giving our aid and our hard earned money to other countries such as Haiti (to cite an example). This struck me as odd though. I mean surely the suffering that is currently going on in Haiti can in no way be compared to the suffering of the poor in America. Granted there have to be a few cases that are similar, but on the overall large scale, that would be preposterous I want to say. I mean at least the homeless here can go to wal-mart for heat. They have the availability of shelters and food...have someone to beg for money by the side of the road. In Haiti, there is no one to beg because everyone is by the side of the road, if by 'the side of the road' you mean a giant heap of garbage, human waste, and petulance. Yet this person also went to say that we should perhaps stop giving money to African countries who squander it. The person claimed that they are just whining and just need to stop fighting over trivial stuff, which would then solve all their problems. For sake of a more "close to home example," I invoked the circumstances under which I myself was raised, primarily a useless civil war between three ethnic groups that threatened complete ethnic cleansing of one race completely. If American and other nations had not intervened in this and simply "let them stop whining and stop fighting," I may very well not be here now. And the truth is, what seems like just random 3rd world fighting to us int he west, could very well just be one or more sides fighting for their lives and defending their right to live and breathe from an oppressive third party. Now granted much money and aid sent overseas needs to be re-centered and re-channeled because unfortunately much of it does go to fund negative things, but on the large scale, that aid also helps millions, MILLIONS of people make it through every day. Now I'm not saying that we need to ignore our own domestic problems, but just take a different look at it. Stop the corporate outsourcing that promotes the wealth of few for the sake of many. Stop tax cuts for the extremely wealthy...etc. There are many ways and way too many political ideologies to consider. What I'm getting at, however, I think, is that 'everyone needs to chill the fuck out and worry about their own business" is a very disturbing phrase.


It lulls you into a false sense of security, thinking you can agree with it because it just makes sense logically, right? But it offers so many pitfalls. 


I get much angrier these days. I don't like it. It reminds me of the days when I practically functioned on a hair trigger. And I'm starting to become obsessed with psychotic thoughts. And psychopathy in general. My dreams are starting to take on a very interesting, yet disturbing theme. Each night, I find new and progressively more brutal ways to maim, and kill people in my dreams. But I'm not worried. It's always in defending someone I care about. What is strange however is how much I absolutely enjoy it. I revel in the feeling of actually beating someone with a baseball bat until they are nothing but pulp. And that's a bit worrisome. 


"Who says I can't be free from all of the things I used to be? 
Rewrite my history; who says I can't be free?"


I think I genuinely love my girlfriend. And I find it strange that I'm not worried about that like most people seem to be at this age.


I go through extreme mood swings. I laugh hysterically for no reason, and I fly off the handle for even smaller things. I feel like I've burned out. I want to be involved with everything, and master everything there is to know. I want to gain knowledge and skill above all else. Yet I don't have the time or the capability. I'm starting to realize my own limits, and what's scary is that they're much lower than I would have liked or thought them to be. It's like I'm slowly slipping into mediocrity without even realizing it. I envy men like Leonardo de Vinci. 


I feel like I'm being pulled between two worlds, one where I have to dress appropriately, talk appropriately, assume certain responsibilities for the sake of assuming them, and socialize in certain ways, and the other where I just want to walk around all day long in my pajama pants and old t-shirts without showering, just smoke large amounts of weed, and drink a lot of Caucasians. I guess that's the part of getting to the age of graduating and becoming "an adult." What a stupid term though. Adult. 


What does that even mean? Why should we have to be in one world or the other? Why is society structured in such a way? It sets you up to follow its path no matter how hard you try to get out. The only way to get out it seems is to forsake all ties and close relationships and be on your own. But is the freedom really worth it that much? I read somewhere recently that to give man choice is to take away his freedom. I like that. 


I rarely talk to my parents anymore, and that worries me. I love my parents. I never see them anymore. And they're getting older. It's scary. They no longer hold that position of awe that they once did. I mean they are still my parents and I am amazed by them, but it's like frailty has set in on them. They're no longer insurmountable giants, supermen who can withstand anything. 


"And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me, such as living with uncertainty."


And yet strangely, I find the uncertainty and the depression and the angst and the anger, and all the other rational and emotional thoughts to be very refreshing. Like a biting cold in the morning that slaps you and brings you wide awake. 


For now, I'll pour a shot and take it one day at a time. I have a fish to feed and class to get to. And so it goes.